How Successful People Build Instant Trust and Connection

Rethinking Small Talk: Why ‘How Are You?’ Falls Flat

Opening a conversation with “How are you?” often leads to predictable, dull exchanges. Psychology expert Vanessa Van Edwards highlights that such questions encourage rehearsed responses, limiting genuine connection. Over her 17 years studying human behavior, Van Edwards has identified how subtle cues in initial moments can ignite or extinguish trust.

Replace Clichés with Engaging Questions

To foster authentic dialogue, Van Edwards advises avoiding typical greetings like “What’s up?” or “Been busy?” Instead, she recommends questions that prompt others to share highlights or achievements. Examples include:

• “What’s the highlight of your week so far?” instead of “How’s it going?”
• “Any big wins lately?” rather than “Have you been keeping busy?”
• “Working on anything exciting these days?” instead of “Working on anything lately?”

Encourage Stories of Joy and Anticipation

Building trust involves inviting others to share positive experiences or future plans. Van Edwards employs tailored questions based on the day to encourage storytelling, such as asking about recent weekend activities early in the week or upcoming plans before holidays. This approach helps create a reputation for eliciting enjoyable conversations.

Responding Differently to ‘How Are You?’

Trust also depends on how you answer when others attempt connection. Van Edwards warns against leading with negativity or bland replies. Instead, she suggests responding with humor or whimsy to capture attention, for example:

• “Good enough that I remembered to floss. So, a win.”
• “Running on caffeine and a dream.”
• “10 of 10 today, I just got one new follower on Instagram.”
• “Hanging in there like a cat on a motivational poster.”

Nonverbal Cues Are Equally Crucial

Van Edwards emphasizes that body language significantly influences trust. Maintaining an open stance with uncrossed arms and facing others squarely signals openness. A firm, controlled handshake conveys confidence, while mirroring gestures during video calls fosters rapport.

Practice Makes Perfect

Applying these techniques in everyday low-stakes interactions—such as chatting with cashiers or neighbors—enables gradual refinement. Consistency helps these behaviors become natural, leading to deeper engagement and increased likability even in brief encounters.

Vanessa Van Edwards is the author of Captivate: The Science of Succeeding with People and Cues: Master the Secret Language of Charismatic Communication. She leads workshops through Science of People, focusing on data-driven soft skills development.