Our Company Is Doing So Well That You’re All Fired
As Profits Surge, Employees Facing Unexpected Termination
As you’re all well aware, this has been a great year for us at [Company Name]. Profits are at an all-time high, and our stock price continues to soar. With growth projections for the coming year through the roof, it seemed like there was no limit to our success. And that success, unfortunately, has resulted in an unprecedented decision – the termination of all employees.
In a shocking move, [Company Name] announced today that it will be parting ways with its entire workforce. It is an undeniable fact that each and every one of you has played an integral role in the company’s recent achievements. Your hard work and dedication have ushered in a new era of success – but apparently, the company has no choice but to let you all go.
While this news may come as a shock, [Company Name] insists that there is no reason to worry about the future. Thanks to the exceptional efforts of its employees, the company is positioned to successfully navigate the challenges that lie ahead. However, this success seems to have come at a cost – your jobs.
But fear not, for the company believes in your skills and contributions. It is confident that you will find new opportunities and continue to thrive elsewhere. Around 60 percent of you are expected to secure employment in the very short term, utilizing your expertise to propel other companies to great heights. However, it’s important to note that positions previously occupied by humans will be gradually replaced by artificial intelligence.
While we must acknowledge the difficulties presented by this new evolution of capitalism, let us not lose sight of the tremendous accomplishments of this phase. You, the employees, have been instrumental in driving immense growth. And now, that growth can only be sustained by your departure from the company, effective immediately. It may sound nonsensical, and even the CEO admits to not fully comprehending the mechanics behind this decision. Nevertheless, it is a testament to your exceptional capabilities.
Leaving [Company Name], you can hold your heads high, knowing that your contributions made it possible for the company to reach a level where your services are no longer required. Your proud and noble efforts have allowed the company to cease providing salary and benefits, a sacrifice deemed necessary for its progress. While some may argue that money holds greater value, you, the chosen few, will forever be the true winners in this situation.
The CEO, although unable to join you in your current predicament due to his pending vested equity, can’t help but express admiration and envy for your journey. He yearns to experience the same downward success that awaits you, the noble fallen warriors.
As for what the future holds, rest assured that [Company Name] intends to treat you with the utmost respect. Apologies for any interruption during this address, as IT has already taken swift action to restrict your access to company servers. It’s all in the interest of security. However, once logistics are sorted, be assured that the return of your laptops will be handled with care. Please ensure they are mailed back by the end of the day.
It is an unfortunate turn of events, but let us not forget the indelible mark you have left on [Company Name]. Your profound contributions have propelled it to unparalleled heights. Now, it is time for you to embark on a new journey, armed with the knowledge that your sacrifices have paved the way for progress.
Analyst comment
Negative news. The termination of all employees despite the company’s success indicates a lack of consideration for the workforce. The market may react negatively to the decision, as it raises concerns about the company’s future plans and management practices.
